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Enter a Title

July 13, 2010
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I’m sitting here, in my little office, in my little apartment.  Cocktail, peanuts, and olives within reach.  I am sitting here because it’s time to celebrate CELEBRATE.  I am sitting here because all I know to do is to sit here, fingers typing away on the sixth draft of the night.  The “Enter a title” heading looking me deep into the eye, waiting for the words to come.  Celebration of this kind in it’s purest form.

Sip cocktail and the words will flow.
Peanuts.
Olive.
Peanuts.
Olive.
Sip.

 

No words.  No words because there are too many words.   So many words in the last 365 days.  The last 52 weeks.  The last 12 months.  The last summer, fall, winter and spring.  The last year. 

365 days and I have nothing to say?  Or is it that I have everything to say?
sip. peanuts. olive. peanuts. olive. sip.

 

Sometimes when I am worried about how a blog post will be received I send it over to Julie before I press publish.  She’s like my go-to editor, only I haven’t really paid her much of anything yet.  If she saw this now she would probably say something like, “You have a lot of words, but you aren’t really saying anything.” Olive. Sip. What do I want to say?  What do I have to say?

 

Do I start with the fact that a year has passed and I feel fantastic?  I’ve learned my lessons and I’m moving forward.  Each day is new, each moment an opportunity.  Do I speak with encouragement and self love and promise of a better me? But don’t I say that in every post?  Are you getting sick of hearing it?  Am I getting sick of saying it?

 

Do I want to say that I am finally feeling some anger?  For so many days I held on so tightly to forgiveness, and understanding, and strength I felt I had to hold on to with a death grip not only for myself, but for my loved ones whom showed concern.  I was determined to be the bigger person. I was determined to be the example of grace and peace in this situation; but why?  To be like Christ? To be who I thought I should be?  To be who I thought I wanted to be?  To enter a title?

 

Olive. Peanut. sip. sip. sip.

 

Am I brave enough to admit that on this day part of me wants to throw a party, drink a bottle of wine, and dance until the sun comes up.  Am I more brave to admit that on this day part of me wants to lay in bed, and listen to sad music, and shut myself off from the world? Am I most brave in admitting that I still doubt that I will find something similar to the disguise we were wearing together? Wondering why I even fall to the Americanized ideal of falling in love and living happily ever after, as I think about the day I never wore the white dress, never exchanged vows and rings and sweet smiles across the alter.  Am I weak in tearing, as the lyrics of a song titled “We are Man and Wife” play in my ear buds, wondering if  I am foolish in one regard or another.  For having believed in us, or for believing in a future fairytale even though I so often regret to say so out loud.  For adding such a song to my playlist tonight, which admits my wanting to feel the sting so that I can take note that I am still alive, still aware, still awake to pain and love and fear and hope.

 

sip. breathe. sip.

 

I hate this. To admit this. I hate to type this out. Sometimes, I miss him. And I don’t know why.  I don’t want anything to do with him.  I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to think about him. But I do.  I watch a band on a stage and I can’t help but stare at the motions the drummer is making.  I hear a song he used to sing to make me laugh when I was angry.  I remember one good memory from the never ending stacks of bad memories, and I wish things were different.  I don’t know why this happens. Is this normal? Why can’t I be bitter?

It’s still a fight to be angry.  I try, but it is not coming easily.  It’s still a fight to remember that it’s okay to be upset, and frustrated, and ticked off at the situation, at the wool over my eyes all along. 

Maybe that’s the issue.  The fact that it’s not so much what happened to me, as more of the pain of knowing that I mistreated myself for so long.  I may have known from the very beginning, yet I continued to pull the wool over my own eyes, in order to play make believe, pretending we were perfect for one another. Pretending I wasn’t just a cover up for issues he had yet to deal with.  Pretending that my place in our relationship wasn’t just a cover up for issues I had yet to deal with.  That I have still yet to deal with.  So far away from where I was before, yet not so much closer to knowing all there is for me to know. 

 

365 days, 52 weeks, 12 months, 4 seasons, and 1 year later and here I am, searching for an answer.  Enter a Title, still blinking at the top of my screen.  A year ago, I became the single girl, starting a journey of self-discovery and healing.  A year ago, I sat on the floor of my bedroom and sobbed, taking a moment to let the weight of what had just happened sink in – to question why something that only happens in the movies was taking place in my life.  A year ago, I got the hiccups, after one too many drinks at the bar, which made me giggle, which made me cry.  A year ago I lost the title.  A year ago I questioned what was next, searching for an answer.  A year later, here I am, searching for an answer.  “Enter a title” still blinking at the top of my screen. Alone in my apartment ringing in the new year the only way that seems fitting: a single girl in a single chair in a single apartment. Olive. Peanut. Sip. CHEERS!

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17 Comments leave one →
  1. July 13, 2010 1:44 am

    You are strong.
    You are strong enough to allow yourself to hurt, to feel. It is normal. It will be normal to be going through these feelings in the years to come, the regret, the hurt, the remorse, the wistfulness, all of it… being able to let yourself experience all of those emotions? That’s what makes you brave.
    Here’s to you. Congratulations on your journey this year… and on the journey to come.

  2. July 13, 2010 2:31 am

    CHEERS to you! It can only get easier from here on out I’m sure 🙂

  3. July 13, 2010 5:36 am

    Perfectly put. You didn’t miss a thing here. ❤

  4. July 13, 2010 6:15 am

    Love it. Even the beginning, despite your thoughts on my editing comments. 😉

    I love you, and am so, so proud of you.

  5. July 13, 2010 6:58 am

    Rock sauce, my friend.
    Cheers to you and your day. 🙂

  6. July 13, 2010 7:55 am

    Oh my god, aren’t you SO glad you didn’t enter a disastous marriage.
    Not to diminish your pain ot difficult journey,but just think if you were here today ,about to divorce after a year of very unhappy marriage?
    I can only imagine the horror of that situation.
    I want all of us women to know we deserve so much more respect-from others but mostly from ourselves.

    There are so many out there in bitter,horrible marriages…stuck there feeling trapped forever. Well girl, you are not trapped.In fact you have opened that cage and set yourself free into the sunlight.
    You are learning to fly ,and no matter if you bump into a few walls as we all do along the way-you are free to do what you want, BE who you want and find a beautiful path ahead.

    Just think of what kind of person would you be a year into this marriage if it HAD happened? That would be a very interesting post to read actually…I have a feeling you would be quite a different person and NOT for the better!

    Keep spreading those wings and thank you for your oh so refreshing voice of candor.I love a good story with drama that ends up with one kickass of a strong heroine!!Go girl 😉

  7. July 13, 2010 7:59 am

    PS I have the Elton John song going through my head
    “someone saved my life tonight”(you nearly had me roped and tied “”butterfly you’re free to fly”…what is that song called?

    In a weird way, your ex probably DID save your life that very night…..

  8. July 13, 2010 8:59 am

    Sending lots of love to you today (and every day).

  9. July 13, 2010 9:49 am

    Beautifully written. Love the last full sentence. Cheers!

  10. Jaclyn permalink
    July 13, 2010 9:56 am

    You will find something so much better than the “the disguise we were wearing together” – you deserve it 🙂

  11. July 13, 2010 10:33 am

    😦 Feel better. You’re amazing and you deserve someone who realizes that.

  12. July 13, 2010 11:17 am

    Cyber hugs for you, perfectly put. You are a very strong woman.

  13. Stephanie permalink
    July 13, 2010 12:20 pm

    You missed one: A year ago, you became YOU! Don’t forget that. =) It all gets better with time, everything happens for a reason, *insert cliche here*, blahblahblah. When all else fails, remember that you became YOU, which is the most important part.

  14. July 13, 2010 4:57 pm

    I love you, Heather. You are so strong!

  15. July 13, 2010 5:25 pm

    Loved.
    I really liked the “disguise we were wearing together” phrasing… and so thankful you’ve taken that off and begun to live, heal, move forward despite the pain (and the frustrations).
    Hugs to you today. Wish we were all sipping cocktails together tonight.

  16. July 13, 2010 11:03 pm

    Heath! I love this post. Cheers to you, dearest friend. You are full of wisdom and grace coming from this year. Cheers! 🙂

  17. July 14, 2010 1:25 pm

    you’re the coolest.

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